am i a failure?

I have been asking myself this since i was 9. When I was 2 I lost my father and since then I just have my mother she’s my only family, She has a phobia of failing I guess and she made me has this phobia too she took care of me most of the time before she gets married and get other children ,But in her head making me believe that i’m a failure and being harsh on me all the time is taking care of me for my future. I know she wants me to be a successful person but being negative all the time doesn’t make people succeed specially when its the one I always wait for support from. I actually can’t remember one time she was happy with my grades ,If I got 5/10 i’m failing if i got 9/10 I’m not focusing cause where did that 1 go? I could’ve easily got 10 and if I get 10 then okay but I should keep up with that. I remember in grade 9 when I got 96% she was so mad at me and I was so upset with myself for not being enough and able to make her happy I felt like i’m a failure and very dumb for this world but then after 5 years my brother was in grade 9 and he got 72% and she was crying from happiness and they were so happy with his grades and at this second I was so so confused and shocked also I felt very sad for myself why she couldn’t be happy like that for me? i’m always trying my best but I also doubt myself so much and her words make me more doubtful about my brain and abilities. In my senior year in high school since I started she kept saying i’ll fail ,the quizzes used to be hard and I used to get like 50/60 and stuff like that and she said i’ll definitely redo the year because of that till one day I got a panic attack and it kept going for 1h and thats when they all thought i’ll die from how much I couldn’t breathe then she started being nice to me for 2 months after 1 year of saying i’ll fail and I actually did fail.

After I failed she said I should drop out i’m not smart for school and I said no and retook the year and I got a really high score on my first SAT she was kind of happy actually and it made me so happy and I took another one to make the score even better and I did and then I took SAT 2 and also got high grades, This experience made me realize that when she’s happy with me i’m better and confident but when she isn’t I do fail and doubt myself.

Now i’m in college and I majored in architecture since I applied she said i’ll fail and i shouldn’t i’m way too dumb for that and guess what? I did actually fail some courses but also the other ones I got As and Bs so i’m not totally a failure? and the first year’s pressure is really hard specially when you’re already anxious and going through a lot with your own life. Now i’m finishing semester two and I feel like i’m actually going to pass everything but i’m so scared that if I didn’t she’ll make me drop out and as I was writing this my younger sister came and said mom was talking shit about you and said that you’ll 100% fail cause you’re too dumb for architecture and now i’m really confused why is she always waiting for me failing? and very scared about my exams.

I hope I get better in college and mentally be okay with myself and accept her words like its nothing without it making me doubting myself all the time, I really love her and hope one day she knows how much i’ve been trying.

And I really hope that when if I ever got kids I don’t redo what I’ve been through.